I was reading something that Kimmie Smith had written about why trying to change another person does not work and something clicked in my head. What occurred to me was that in my efforts to create a perfect environment for me to get the most out of my depression recovery process, I had been demanding that the people around me change.
I knew I had to change so that I could get a handle on my depression. However, I had no right to demand that the people around me change as well. I could ask them to consider changing in certain ways that would make our relationship healthier. It had to be their choice, not something that they felt like I was forcing them to do.
I also realized that some of the boundaries that I had set up were not really boundaries at all, they were actually demands to force people to do things my way. No wonder my boundary setting has been met with such resistance. By making my boundaries demands, I was stomping all over someone else’s boundaries.
Sometimes I feel kind of alone in this dilemma, as if I am the only person who really messes up when it comes to setting boundaries or demanding my family change to suit my needs. All of this is so new to me, that there are times when I feel like I am doing it all wrong.
Once again, I am headed back tot he drawing board. I need to rearrange some thinking and figure out a better way to set my boundaries. I am curious to find out if anyone else has had similar issues when they were/are going through their own mental health recovery. Demanding change, instead of asking?
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Oh, you're not alone! Boundary setting is tough stuff, and it can be hard to know where that line is.
I have to continuously remind myself, because I forget a lot, that my decisions and behaviors need to be based on the kind of person I want to be, not based on how another person acts.
I think often, setting boundaries means that we are aware when something isn't right for us, and then we have the power to remove ourselves from the situation or from the conversation, etc. Just being aware that a situation has crossed over into that off limits zone can help us a lot to know what choices we have in responding.
Does this make sense? You're not alone… <3
My recent post Two for One
Oh, you're not alone! Boundary setting is tough stuff, and it can be hard to know where that line is.
I have to continuously remind myself, because I forget a lot, that my decisions and behaviors need to be based on the kind of person I want to be, not based on how another person acts.
I think often, setting boundaries means that we are aware when something isn't right for us, and then we have the power to remove ourselves from the situation or from the conversation, etc. Just being aware that a situation has crossed over into that off limits zone can help us a lot to know what choices we have in responding.
Does this make sense? You're not alone… <3
My recent post Two for One
That is the key for me then, removing myself from the situation, instead of demanding that the person change. I think removing myself from the situation would probably go a lot further in someone else deciding to change, than me being in there face demanding it.
I also like what you said, that your decisions and behaviors need to be based on the kind of person you want to be….
Everything you said made perfect sense. It feels good to not be alone in this.
That is the key for me then, removing myself from the situation, instead of demanding that the person change. I think removing myself from the situation would probably go a lot further in someone else deciding to change, than me being in there face demanding it.
I also like what you said, that your decisions and behaviors need to be based on the kind of person you want to be….
Everything you said made perfect sense. It feels good to not be alone in this.
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When I was seeing my counsellor one of the biggest problems I wanted to talk to her about was the relationship with my mother, I wanted it to be good and "normal" and she said to me, "you can't change the way your mother is, you can only change the way you respond to her." Wise words!
My recent post Hollybobs
Your counselor is correct!
When I was seeing my counsellor one of the biggest problems I wanted to talk to her about was the relationship with my mother, I wanted it to be good and "normal" and she said to me, "you can't change the way your mother is, you can only change the way you respond to her." Wise words!
My recent post Hollybobs
Your counselor is correct!
You are definitely not alone. It's really easy to live inside your head, and you don't even notice you're in that space until someone holds up a mirror and you shock yourself back into the reality that we share this planet with six billion other people (often living in THEIR heads, too).
I find it helps to stop, breathe, and think. Think about how my message might be received by the person I'm addressing and put myself in their shoes. What would their objection to my request be? Is that reasonable? Can we come to a compromise, take some baby steps? Clear and open communication – which is HARD – is also important. Listening is hard work – real listening, not hearing. Listen, then repeat back what you think the other person meant so you can be sure you're understanding. And they do the same. I'm a bad listener, I'm more likely assuming what they mean by their first 5 words and figuring out my reply instead of focusing on that person, listening, absorbing, understanding, and then crafting my response. I've been working on being a good listener for awhile and I'm still not satisfied with where I am.
And what Livi's counselor said to her: EXACTLY. I can only change MY response to other people's actions.
Glad to hear I'm not alone on this one. 🙂
My recent post Me
You are definitely not alone. It's really easy to live inside your head, and you don't even notice you're in that space until someone holds up a mirror and you shock yourself back into the reality that we share this planet with six billion other people (often living in THEIR heads, too).
I find it helps to stop, breathe, and think. Think about how my message might be received by the person I'm addressing and put myself in their shoes. What would their objection to my request be? Is that reasonable? Can we come to a compromise, take some baby steps? Clear and open communication – which is HARD – is also important. Listening is hard work – real listening, not hearing. Listen, then repeat back what you think the other person meant so you can be sure you're understanding. And they do the same. I'm a bad listener, I'm more likely assuming what they mean by their first 5 words and figuring out my reply instead of focusing on that person, listening, absorbing, understanding, and then crafting my response. I've been working on being a good listener for awhile and I'm still not satisfied with where I am.
And what Livi's counselor said to her: EXACTLY. I can only change MY response to other people's actions.
Glad to hear I'm not alone on this one. 🙂
My recent post Me
Thanks for pointing out the things you did. All of this has been very helpful. You have given me a lot to think about.
Thanks for pointing out the things you did. All of this has been very helpful. You have given me a lot to think about.
Ms. Mashburn,
Whereas you may not have the right to 'demand' that others change around you, don't forget that you have the right to determine who those others are. The attributes and qualities of the people you surround yourself with are those you find of value; and thus, the people you associate with will by those same choices be those you demand to embody those features.
Understanding of the people chosen to be in your life by you is paramount. Understanding of you by the people who remain by you is reflective of their commitment to you. And the boundaries you set; perhaps must set, to improve the quality of your life will either be accepted or not by those same people. No person's rights can infringe upon another's without the conscious choice by the one infringed upon to yield.
As an example, many years ago, I quit alcohol – entirely. Some 26 years ago plus. I lost many 'friends' in the process. I strained the goodwill of family and my remaining friends by my setting of boundaries within my home. My intolerance and demands brought about by creating an alcohol-free zone had its price. It was a case of balance – the weighing of what I felt I gained versus what I lost. As my goal was for my children at the time to never know Dad as being a drunk; rather, a stable man and one in control of himself – that goal to me was more important than anything else. A simple case of priorities and adherence to a set of assigned values.
Assignation of values, of boundaries, limits, demands and limits begin with those you set for yourself. The others in your life have always the right to do the same. To set their own assignations. If things work out to be coincidental – the relationship survives. If not, no force is possible to be used to alter one or the other person. Again, all people are free to make up their own minds and follow the path they decide to tread.
One cannot demand love, respect, trust, emotions, friendship. Such are always given freely – or not at all. So, the thing to be sure of is that when demanding, setting up limits, boundaries is to ascertain the best you can that what you are creating, what you value is truly what you set on your personal mental and emotional pedestal of 'right' and correctness. Then, reconcile yourself to live with your decision(s) come what may.
Good luck. It's a hard 'go' to do the right thing.
Ms. Mashburn,
Whereas you may not have the right to 'demand' that others change around you, don't forget that you have the right to determine who those others are. The attributes and qualities of the people you surround yourself with are those you find of value; and thus, the people you associate with will by those same choices be those you demand to embody those features.
Understanding of the people chosen to be in your life by you is paramount. Understanding of you by the people who remain by you is reflective of their commitment to you. And the boundaries you set; perhaps must set, to improve the quality of your life will either be accepted or not by those same people. No person's rights can infringe upon another's without the conscious choice by the one infringed upon to yield.
As an example, many years ago, I quit alcohol – entirely. Some 26 years ago plus. I lost many 'friends' in the process. I strained the goodwill of family and my remaining friends by my setting of boundaries within my home. My intolerance and demands brought about by creating an alcohol-free zone had its price. It was a case of balance – the weighing of what I felt I gained versus what I lost. As my goal was for my children at the time to never know Dad as being a drunk; rather, a stable man and one in control of himself – that goal to me was more important than anything else. A simple case of priorities and adherence to a set of assigned values.
Assignation of values, of boundaries, limits, demands and limits begin with those you set for yourself. The others in your life have always the right to do the same. To set their own assignations. If things work out to be coincidental – the relationship survives. If not, no force is possible to be used to alter one or the other person. Again, all people are free to make up their own minds and follow the path they decide to tread.
One cannot demand love, respect, trust, emotions, friendship. Such are always given freely – or not at all. So, the thing to be sure of is that when demanding, setting up limits, boundaries is to ascertain the best you can that what you are creating, what you value is truly what you set on your personal mental and emotional pedestal of 'right' and correctness. Then, reconcile yourself to live with your decision(s) come what may.
Good luck. It's a hard 'go' to do the right thing.