I am sure that I am not alone when I say that my depression recovery has experienced a few bumps in the road. In fact, I hit a rather large bump last September, which ended in a brief hospital stay. Unfortunately, because I did not have any medical insurance, the hospital that was chosen for me was a State Run Psychiatric Hospital.

Finding the right depression medication for me proved to be something of a challenge. Since I am a diabetic, I could not take many of the depression medications because they can raise a person’s blood sugar. Then a whole bunch of other medications were put on the black list, because of my restless leg syndrome (RLS). It seems they affect dopamine in much the same way that RLS does so they can make it worse. After several months, we found a combination of medication that seemed to work and did not cause the usual problems.

I was feeling better, I had a better outlook on life and I had a small measure of hope. So when the bump in the road happened, I was taken by surprise. Looking back I can clearly identify certain things about my behavior that should have been signals to me that that I was not doing well.

I had become overly emotional with my anger and sadness. I picked fights with everyone I could, and I was back to crying all the time. The way I was feeling had been my “normal” for several years,so it did not dawn on me that I was in serious trouble. After feeling like this for several days, things sort of tilted to the very bad. I was taking my usual everyday handful of medicine, when I decided that I was going to add about ten extra beta blockers to my usual dose.

What I looked like during this "bump in the road"

Once I fully realized what I did, I called my counselor.  She was not in.  The receptionist decided that she thought I needed to talk to someone on the Crisis Line, and immediately transferred my phone call.  I went through the whole scenario with a lady who answered the Crisis Line phone, up to the point where I took the extra medication.  After the lady on the Crisis Line heard that, she suggested that a Crisis Team come to my house and evaluate me.  Knowing that her suggestion was really more like she was telling me what was going to happen, I agreed.

The Crisis Team that showed up to my house, consisted of two men.  One was a psychiatrist and one was a Sheriff’s Deputy in plain clothes.  After asking me several questions, the psychiatrist suggested that I go to the local hospital and be checked out to make sure that the extra beta blockers I took were not going to cause me any problems.  He went on to suggest that it might be in my best interest if I went to a mental health facility for a few days, until I got through this crisis (bump in the road).

I did not want to go to either places. I knew I would end up in a state run psychiatric hospital, and I was terrified of going there. However, I also knew that if I told them no, the deputy would call for back up and I would still end up going, except I would be in handcuffs. I could not let that happen in front of my daughter.

When we got to the local hospital, the psychiatrist had me sit with the front desk lady and he went back to talk to an emergency room doctor. This is about the time that I got really angry and realized what the psychiatrist was doing. He was working with the emergency room doctor and they were going to have me 10-13nd. Where I live, that is the code for having someone involuntarily committed to a psychiatric hospital. I felt like all my rights were gone, and in essence they were.

I realize now that the crisis team probably saved my life. Since my counselor was not in her office, I probably would have taken more pills and would have tried to commit suicide again. At the time though, I was pissed. I felt as if I had been tricked into going to the local hospital, and that if I had not tried to call for help, I would not be in this mess.

I was totally refusing to see that what the psychiatrist had done was get me to the place I needed to be, with as little drama and trauma as possible. I was too busy being pissed off to admit that even if I only took ten extra beta blockers, it was still ten too many and was a strong indicator that I was heading down the path to a suicide attempt.

I have to say, I think that it is very good that the county I live in has crisis teams that will go to someone’s house to evaluate their mental state. If I ever got into serious trouble with my depression again, and I could not get a hold of my counselor or my other “safe” people, I would call the Crisis Line and get help that way.

More of my hospitalization experience in another post

Are you in crisis? Please call 1-800-273-TALK
Are you feeling desperate, alone or hopeless? Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), a free, 24-hour hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Your call will be routed to the nearest crisis center to you.

* Call for yourself or someone you care about
* Free and confidential
* A network of more than 140 crisis centers nationwide
* Available 24/7