There have been so many times in my life when I have wanted a do over. It would be so nice to have an opportunity to do things differently. Like that rotten morning when the kid spilled red juice on the beige carpet, and the dog forgot she was house broken. Or how about a do over for the rainy day when the car got a flat tire? Maybe even a second chance at a relationship with my mother? How wonderful it would be to have an opportunity to fix things with a faraway son.

Fortunately, I have been given many opportunities at do overs. Unfortunately, there have been many times when I messed those up too. It was usually a result of me repeating the same mistakes that I had made the first time. I think the reason I kept making those same mistakes was that I lacked maturity.

At thirty-nine years old I still lacked the maturity to accept my share of the responsibility in a negative situation. When I did get a do over, I was so busy assigning all the blame to the other person, and wanting them to admit that it was all their fault, that the second chance would just pass me by. In my immature state, if an opportunity at a do over did not present itself when and how I wanted it, I would push and push and push some more until what I perceived as a second chance would come into existence. It was not a real opportunity to change things though, it was me bullying another person into doing things my way.

In the last year, I have been granted many second chances. It just so happens that in the last year I have also managed to mature. As a result, the outcome of those opportunities has been wonderful. Surviving my suicide attempt allowed me the opportunity to change my thinking and change how I managed my life. I have been able to do things differently with my daughter and have repaired that relationship. My husband and I have had a second chance and we are fixing things between us. I have even been given an opportunity to do things differently with my mother.

My mother and I have had a mostly turbulent relationship. We loved each other, but we could never really connect. On many occasions, we said things to each other that were better left unsaid. I cannot speak for her, but more than once I have been so angry with her that I did not want to be around her. Then something remarkable happened. My mother and I become friends. I never thought that we would ever have a decent relationship, much less become friends. Yet, that is exactly what has happened. We were given an opportunity at a do over, and we took full advantage of it.

I have not been given all of the second chances I have hoped for. For the most part, that is okay with me. However, there is one do over that I want more than all the rest. An opportunity to do things differently with my son. Everyday I hope and pray for it. I believe it will happen when we are both ready. In the mean time, I must patiently wait.

I am very grateful for all the do overs I have been given in the last year, and also for having the tools to do things differently. It is a nice feeling to know that we have opportunities to fix things if we do not get them right the first time.