Disclaimer: This post is not about who is right or who is wrong when it comes to their religious beliefs. This is solely about my religious views, my journey to finding what worked for me and what it means to me.

I grew up with out much religious education. I do not consider this a good or bad thing, it is just how it was when I was growing up. As opportunities came up for me to go to various churches I would go. It did give me the benefit of seeing what different Christian Denominations were like. I have gotten to experience Catholic Churches, Methodist, Baptist and even Church of God. Nothing really ever seemed to be a good fit for me.

It seems to me that since I was a little kid, I have always been looking for a higher power that would fill a void that I always seemed to have inside of me. Searching for whatever this thing was that I needed I even went so far as to join a Pagan Group. It was a hardcore group compared to most Pagan groups and for a bit it seemed to fill that void. Then I realized a few things about the leaders. For whatever reason they enjoyed meddling in the group members lives, to the point where it became detrimental.

So I still floated around for a bit, trying to find that thing, that void filling religious thing I needed. Eventually, I did find it. We joined an Intra-denominational Church. The whole family became very involved in it, and I developed a very close relationship with God. I felt whole and complete. At some point for a variety of reason we left that church and joined a church that had more activities for the children. The kids loved it.

It was about the time we changed churches that I was hospitalized for the first time due to my asthma. It became difficult to go to church because so many people wore such huge amounts of perfume and cologne that it seemed every time I went to church I had an asthma attack. It was also about this time that my depression and anxiety disorder began to take over my life. I was also diagnosed with diabetes a few months after joining this Church. Unfortunately during this time, my son and I started having difficulties in our relationship.

I felt like I was getting slammed with so many things at one time and I was having a hard time coping due to the depression and anxiety disorder. I began to slip deeper and deeper into my depression, and anxiety, and I just could no longer force myself to get up and go to Church. I missed going but I just could not go.

I began to lose my relationship with God. He did not draw away from me, I drew away from him and I became far away from God. I disliked myself so very much and I felt I was not worthy of God’s Love, nor of his Forgiveness. I think that thought, believing I was not worthy of the Love God has for me, and the Forgiveness he has for me, made my misery during that time worse. It added to my feelings of being unloved and isolated.

Now that my mind is feeling better and my depression and anxiety are easing off, I see that I am worthy of God’s Love. I want that relationship back that I had with Him before. I just am not ready to go back to Church yet. Between the smells and crowded spaces, I think I would be so anxious all the time that I would not get anything out of it.

What I am going to do, is see if I can find some Christians online that I feel good about fellowshipping with. I always found being around others with similar mind sets when it comes to Christianity helped me be closer to God. I believe it is due to the encouragement that we all give one another.

With that decision, to look for people online to fellowship with, there has come a certain amount of peace. I am looking forward to drawing closer to God once again.

Have a Blessed Day, Neighbors.